Ok, so failed yet again to get up for breakfast, but did end up having a three hour cuddle, which was nice considering Jamie’s and my weird shift patterns this very rarely happens. Even if it does the dog gets jealous and wants to join in.

So we got up, found a sun bed then had lunch. Came back and I decided it being the last day to take part in one of the activities. So air rifle it was. I’ll never be accused of murdering anyone with a gun, although my first shot got the single highest score of anybody, my other two were only vaguely near the target. I’m sure my mother would say that I get a little bit of that from her as she used to be a hit-man you know.

So after my gun toting was over I decided that I didn’t really want to sit around the pool for the rest of the afternoon. They only play 80’s music and certainly not the best part of the decade at that. I was somewhat intrigued by these white column things on the other side of the bay, plus I needed to get a fridge magnet. I actually left the hotel.

To cut a long story short, Gumbet is awful. It’s wosrse than the Costa’s, makes Lanzerote look like Paris for sofistication. Anywhere which highlights its menu with being able to serve real HP brown sauce, you know you’re in a shit hole. Anyway managed to find a suitably tacky gift shop to get a fridge magnet, I was a bit spoilt for choice. But I was safe in the knowledge that if I ever did want a full English breakfast (with or without HP sauce), it was available for under two quid. You could come here with 100 Turkish lira, spend all day eating fried food, get pissed and watch the football without any fear that you’d ever left Bolton. You could even get a few more tattoos. Still, if you are 18, have no taste and are on a budget of a fiver, you will have a hell of a time.

So, walked the seven miles up the mountain and took some nice photos. The white towers turned out to be windmills. So I stood there, overlooking the Aegean thinking that actually it’s a nice view. Not a bad place after all, then thinking, just take a moment, as never in my life again am I going to be standing here taking in this view. Deep. I then walked the seven miles back and downed two bottles of lager.

Packed up most of the suitcase. Had a shower. Tonight it was back in the buffet restaurant. Better selection this evening. I had chicken something with something else, followed by cake. And now once again we are at the pool bar. Ayhan, is still here, our favourite barman, I’ll give him another tip before we leave. It’s karaoke over at the other bar, I just know it will be full of pissed Germans. And then we will call it a night, and call it another year in Turkey.

So (don’t go there), it could be said we’ve spent half this holiday in bed. This just isn’t true, we’ve spent more than half this holiday in bed. I do aim to get up a bit earlier tomorrow, there’s a couple of things I want to do in the morning.

Went to pool bar, drank coffee. Wanted to get back into my book. Had another coffee. Now I was overhearing a Londerer bragging about being in some fight in Benedorm or some other god forsaken hell hole, it was all getting quite exciting. He then ordered a ‘larger top’ so lost all credibility whatsoever. Then found a sunbed, got towels out. Then went and had lunch. Today being Friday, I had pizza.

Returned to sun bed. Finished “The Hunger Games”, very good, really enjoyed it, even if it is a ‘Tweens’ book, or whatever they class it as. One bit of highlight in the afternoon, the German twink boys were back. Right behind where we were laying, they do ‘step’ and they were in there legs flying everwhere for half an hour, Mr green shorts was very pleasing to the eye. Now, I was fairly subtle and just looked above my Kindle occasionally to drawl, but two guys had turned up and lay on beds right in front of me and just gawped at them continuiously. I’ll call them Mr Pecks and Mr Blonde, not quite Resovoire Dogs, more Resovoire dogging. As soon as as Mr German had finished flexing his legs they disappeared off. You just know they were going back to their hotel room to bang louder than the blitz.

We went back to the pool bar and had more coffee. Book now finished. It’s a trilogy, which means I’ll never read the other two parts. Back at the room, read a magazine, had a shower, did some minor fapping to clean the pipes out.

Tonight we ate at the Mediterranean restaurant. You got to select your fish. They were all dead on dishes, it’s not like they were walking round Tesco’s with name badges on. I enjoyed it, Jamie didn’t. Said it was bland, I said he’d never eaton at my mothers. We returned to the pool bar, found Mr Pecks and Mr Blonde, obviously recovered from shell shock. Ayhun brought me beer, I like him. So that brings us nicely up to date. Few more beers I expect then bed. Tomorrow is our last full day, then back to normality.

Been trying to think of my trip advisor review, I think it will have to be along the lines of “not bad, there is better”. I think that would be fair. If you came here you would have a good time. If you went somewhere else you could have a better time. Mind you they say it’s not the location but the company you keep, so anyone around me would have a fairly shit time anyway.

So, and yes I always start with so, even if fucking youthful Julie Andrews wants to start with doe. Got up late again, so late in fact we missed the stupid pool game, I think it was close to 1. Which by the time I’d done three coffees it was closer to 2. Then it was only 15 minutes before it was time for lunch. Cheese burger today, at the Italian.

I started on the Kindle with “The Hunger Games”. Now, books. I have a problem with reading, well not actually reading I can still do that, unlike writing, but it’s just trying to find the time to actually be round and do it. If someone buys me a book for Christmas then it’s more of a case of “thanks very much, I have a slot in 2015” rather than I’ll get stuck in straight away. I just don’t have the concentration or the time.

So post burger I made a good start on it. It’s basically “Battle Royal” without the subtitles, but I’ve found it to be a bloody good read and haven’t been able to put it down. I’m 3/4 of the way through it and for me that’s a bloody miracle, I haven’t been that hooked on a book since I was massively concerned about the welfare of Timmy the dog, in famous five when I was about eight (he pulled through).

Anyway, during lunch I asked Jamie the usual what he thought of the place, and got the response that he was “getting board of this type of holiday”. Ok, lets get this straight. I spend 51 weeks a year, working, sleeping, flogging my ancient and past it torso at the gym, doing the accounts and paying the bills, walking his dog, doing the shopping and all the house repairs, the gardening and all the manly things (I do have a cleaner, that’s not laziness, it really is the case that I don’t really have the time). And what does he do? Ok, goes to work, no problem with that, then comes home. He makes more mess than the entire Labour government during the seventies. I then have to tidy that up. So yes, may be his other 51 weeks a year are very much like my 1. He is a bloody good shag though, so all things can be forgiven.

So, where were we. Ah yes, I was reading a book. No distractions today due to German boys, that’s very disappointing as I wanted to drift off with visions of tight torsos in Lader Hosen while playing hide the Knackwurst.

One thing I did find annoying though was the musical accompaniment, Dire Straights (Brothers in Arms) twice. Followed by the best of Eddy Grant (now there’s a contradiction in terms to start with), at least in the Delphin Palace they played James Blunt, I could die a sonic death, but at least it was in the same century.

We returned to the hotel room. Jamie fell asleep. I read my book. No one demanded sex. Mind you this mornings dream was a bit weird, me, Dillon Samuels, a bunch of daffodils and a goat…story for another day. Had shower, went to dinner. Now it was the buffet restaurant tonight, they had eight main courses, which is a nice selection, except I didn’t want any of them. I ended up with chicken wings. Problem is the chicken was brought up on some sort of Ethopian diet plan, there was more meat on a vegetarians korn sausage. I had Kosher cheese, now I may be getting confused but does that mean that the cheese was concious at the point of death?

Now just been interrupted by my favourite barman trying to wrestle the glass from my hand so he can refill it. Only two days left before I go back to my toil and Jamie goes back to doing what he normally does, shame, I quite liked the book thing, may be I should make a bit more time and read a good book once in a while. May be I’m just being mad, may be people should just wear more hats.

So, up early as usual. Well up early enough to make a booking for the Turkish restaurant tonight. So that was done by 9am, so then it was back to the important thing of the morning…sleeping. I woke up and hit Jamie as it was Prozac wearing off day and I’d had one of my dreams, for some reason he was living with his mother. I suppose it could have been some sort of nightmare and I could have been living with mine.

We ventured out at midday after failing to have sex, well it wasn’t like some sort of disfunction we just didn’t bother. Went to the pool bar. I had three coffees and did a bit more Clarkson, I could then face the world, just.

We found a good vacant position by the pool, which was later filled by a selection of skinny German boys, they kept standing up and spraying each other with oil, I was trying to prevent something else from standing up and spraying me with another type of lubricant.

Went to the Italian for lunch which was fairly uneventful, other than I had the spaghetti bog. Returned back to sun bed. I thought about venturing out to Gumbet, but then I decided that venturing to the pool bar would be less of a travel chore and somewhat more rewarding. Stayed there for the rest of the afternoon, drinking beer, reading Mr Clarkson and coming up with amusing porn script ideas for a set of Germans, involving sun tan lotion and table tennis bats.

We returned to the pool bar so Jamie could download an app (it’s one of two places you can get wifi), I could eat cake and drink more beer. We returned to the room to find the mini bar had been replenished, so I sat outside drank two more beers and finished off my book. By then Jamie was in the bath and I was dieing for a poo. All I had to alleviate the pressure was a packet of wine gums. I ate them rather than stuffing them up my arse but it had the desired effect. When I got into the bathroom I fell into the bath, which is only the second time in my life I managed to do this, this time however I was pretty much sober and was caused by the fact that Jamie decided to use half a bottle of shower gel and it was more slippery than David Cameron being interviewed by Jeremy Paxman.

So dinner was booked for 8:30, Jamie decided it was time to get amorous by 8:15, so at 8:28 I was trying to get the remains of a giant erection into a pair of shorts. We made it on time as people keep saying, “oh, isn’t this place big”. No it isn’t. Get over it. It’s probably because you live in a small village in Sussex and you class your Volvo as ‘quite big’. The meal was ok. I ordered the hot and spicy, neither of which it lived up to. Warm and bland would have been a better description. Still Jamie says its the same as the ones he orders at home, I protest, In that the ones he orders at home I would prefer to eat the polystyrene box, rather than the contents. We then walk past the amphitheatre where during the meal it sounded like ‘yes’ were doing a reunion concert and I expected to see Rik Wakeman in a cape playing synth surrounded by fire. Instead I saw a sad Russian women dangling from a scarf being watched by about 4 people.

We retired to the pool bar, where I tipped my favourite bar man, which means I will never have to queue or place my order again for the rest of eternity. There is now some abstract women over at the Windmill Bar (which is about 8 feet away, I said it wasn’t big), singing Jesse J, she’s now on Tom Jones, and if anything earlier is to go by, she will be breaking out that cape and setting the pool alight.

And that now brings us pretty much up to date. So now for angry birds.

So the day started off late. To say the least. I missed breakfast completely. Which means I missed my serious amounts of coffee which is never a good sign. I did manage to get on the phone and book the Italian restaurant for this evening though which turned out to be a very good move.

Jamie asked I I slept okay, to which I relied yes as sleeping in a single bed I always sleep with no problem. This then led him to join me on my bed. This then led to him trying to kickstart this old fart into some kind of orgasm. I wish at this point there was some kind f lubrication as the only fire that was about to take hold was from the friction and the sheets were about to catch on fire. He was trying to bring me to orgasm, not trying to start a Victorian lawn mower.

Anyway, after these shinnanagans we got up and made it to the pool bar. I had my three coffees so was almost coherent. We then found a spot that was pretty much in the shade and settled down for ten minutes before I decided it was dinner time.

We went to ne Italian, where I had pizza, I wasn’t even a Friday. It was actually very good. We returned to our secluded spot where I failed to top up my tan. But I did have a superb IRS of some very well toned German boys. If I poked myself in the left ear every time I leared at them, my right ear would be suffering from a perferated ear drum. We stayed here for the rest of the afternoon.

We then returned to the room. Consumed some warm beer. I had a bath. We then basically lazed around for three hours until we returned to the Italian for what turned out to actually be a really nice meal. Then afterwards went to the pool bar, where after a quick thumbs up to the bar man our drinks arrived with no further interaction. I like this. Now after some Internet updates, it’s time for some angry birds.

So awake at 5am. Still could be worse. Went for a bit of a wander and no surprise to find Herman the German out flinging towels on to sun beds by the pool. Went back to bed. Got into Jamie’s bed. Failed to have sex. Decided by 9am that it was probably time for breakfast.

Breakfast itself was actually quite a feast. There was a counter that contained dishes of eggs cooked from 3 to 7 minutes, that’s one dish per minute, you didn’t have to take pot luck. So, anyway I had the cornflakes. I tried to be healthy and had a banana. Followed by a giant muffin.

Went and got towels, did my German thing and shoved them on a couple of sunbeds. Got Jamie out of bed. Still failed to have sex. He sat on the sunned, I decided to kick start the morning with a coffee. I’m in love with this places Nescafé coffee machine. It has a button marked ‘white coffee’ and it’s amazing. The fun thing about this place is that as soon as you’re cup begins to be vaguely empty, magically a new one arrives in its place. After four coffees I was as high as a kite and returned to the sunbed.

Nice Turkish man came round and sold us a couple of scrubs and massages. Good way to start the week off. Got into my Jeremy Clarkson, good view of lots of reasonable looking boys. Pool game was fun, didn’t take part, far too energetic, but lots of tanned torsos diving into the water.

We retired for lunch, managed to find something with cold chips, fried chicken, which to be honest wasn’t bad. Went back to room, we had an hour to kill, so put the ‘do not disturb’ on the door and did what good gay couples do and discuss knitting patterns.

We went to the spa. I had this small Turkish women who could hardly speak English and Jamie had this fairly fit Turkish bloke. We were doused in water and covered in foam in what can only be described as a homoerotic dream sequence. After some tea and another seventy quid we were massaged and then covered in mud. After it solidified and we looked like we’d been mountain biking in a bog we showered and actually felt really quite nice. We had a bevy, collected our towels and returned to the hotel room. I drank a bottle of red that was given t us, gave me a headache. Didn’t require a shower as that’s all I’d seemed to have done all afternoon. So we had sex again, twice I’m one day, only happens on holiday.

Dinner time, so off we went. The evening meal selection to me seems considerably less than lunch and breakfast. Still, I ended up with something resembling kebab meat and chicken stuffed with something else. Followed by desert which had far too many calories and a bunch of grapes which had far too many seeds.

And that brings up ban up to date. Now sat at the pool bar, amusing myself by timing how long it takes for the bar man to replenish my glass after its empty. So far it’s been 55 seconds and 2:10, so he’s slowing down, not a good sign. So more of the same tomorrow and may be even more sex….

I’ll keep this fairly brief as I’m dieing for a piss. Got up at 4am. Which is just far too early no matter how you look at it. Flight was dull, but somewhat unenjoyable. I seem to have massive amounts of gas, which isn’t particularly new, but rather inconvienient when you’re stuck on a plane for four hours.

Transfer was fine. Hotel is fine to be honest. Certainly smaller than I thought I would be. I’ve done a little explore around the rounds. Tested out the service in all the bars as you should. There seems to be some quality totty about. But I’m already fairly smashed on pilsner and it’s on 5:30. Will need to see the quality of the food next.

So an early start to the day, to get the bonce done. Nice job and reasonable price. Then came back and took madam out for a couple of hours. See insisted on sniffing everything and pulling like mad so was glad to get back. Cleaned up the dog shit, filled bird table, gentle chit chat with neighbour about Cyprus.

Took dog to kennel, she didn’t seem particularly thrilled. Holly hedge sent me an email with all the previous home checks I’ve done, so I can do rechecks which is very good of them, as I kept no records, whoops.

Walked into town, bought a paper. So that’s a 14 mile round trip and two hours of walking for an evening post, it better be a riveting read.

Did the accounts, paid my car insurance. Unblocked my mother from Facebook, I may regret that. Found all the holiday paperwork and printed out the boarding cards. Now I guess it’s time to think about packing, shower and eat. Up at 4am, oh joy.

Typed this on my iPad. Not as torturous as I thought. Anyway, let’s get a hustle on.