Today I was covered in mud and jumped on by a small Turkish girl

So awake at 5am. Still could be worse. Went for a bit of a wander and no surprise to find Herman the German out flinging towels on to sun beds by the pool. Went back to bed. Got into Jamie’s bed. Failed to have sex. Decided by 9am that it was probably time for breakfast.

Breakfast itself was actually quite a feast. There was a counter that contained dishes of eggs cooked from 3 to 7 minutes, that’s one dish per minute, you didn’t have to take pot luck. So, anyway I had the cornflakes. I tried to be healthy and had a banana. Followed by a giant muffin.

Went and got towels, did my German thing and shoved them on a couple of sunbeds. Got Jamie out of bed. Still failed to have sex. He sat on the sunned, I decided to kick start the morning with a coffee. I’m in love with this places NescafĂ© coffee machine. It has a button marked ‘white coffee’ and it’s amazing. The fun thing about this place is that as soon as you’re cup begins to be vaguely empty, magically a new one arrives in its place. After four coffees I was as high as a kite and returned to the sunbed.

Nice Turkish man came round and sold us a couple of scrubs and massages. Good way to start the week off. Got into my Jeremy Clarkson, good view of lots of reasonable looking boys. Pool game was fun, didn’t take part, far too energetic, but lots of tanned torsos diving into the water.

We retired for lunch, managed to find something with cold chips, fried chicken, which to be honest wasn’t bad. Went back to room, we had an hour to kill, so put the ‘do not disturb’ on the door and did what good gay couples do and discuss knitting patterns.

We went to the spa. I had this small Turkish women who could hardly speak English and Jamie had this fairly fit Turkish bloke. We were doused in water and covered in foam in what can only be described as a homoerotic dream sequence. After some tea and another seventy quid we were massaged and then covered in mud. After it solidified and we looked like we’d been mountain biking in a bog we showered and actually felt really quite nice. We had a bevy, collected our towels and returned to the hotel room. I drank a bottle of red that was given t us, gave me a headache. Didn’t require a shower as that’s all I’d seemed to have done all afternoon. So we had sex again, twice I’m one day, only happens on holiday.

Dinner time, so off we went. The evening meal selection to me seems considerably less than lunch and breakfast. Still, I ended up with something resembling kebab meat and chicken stuffed with something else. Followed by desert which had far too many calories and a bunch of grapes which had far too many seeds.

And that brings up ban up to date. Now sat at the pool bar, amusing myself by timing how long it takes for the bar man to replenish my glass after its empty. So far it’s been 55 seconds and 2:10, so he’s slowing down, not a good sign. So more of the same tomorrow and may be even more sex….

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