Today started again rather normally. Took Sasha to daycare. Dillon missed her. Still working on 64 bit conversion stuff, all going okay. Then took a break to go to the dentist. Considering I haven’t been for 18 months I got off pretty lightly. I was supposed to only have a check-up, but he said he had the time if I wanted work done now, so as I was already sat there I told him to empty my wallet. Which he duly did. I had two fillings removed and replaced and another tooth reshaped. It’s not like you’re normal NHS dentist quick drill and then inject the filling, this was all hand crafted and sculpted. I now have three teeth with nice white fillings, rather than the old mercury shit. It’s just a shame that I have another fourteen to replace. It cost two-hundred and twenty odd quid. Thankfully he said he didn’t want to see me for another year and just visit the hygienest with the same regularity. So I have an appointment in a couple of weeks for that.

Came back and got back on with work. Then picked up Sasha. She was suitably tired. Jamie walked Dillon. I went for a run, it was almost raining but not quite, so actually quite pleasant running weather. Still waiting for my new running shoes, old cross country ones have lots of holes in.

Morning started fairly normally. Until the courier arrived delivering an ice making machine. It’s huge. It’s currently by the coffee machine and making it feel jealous. I think it needs relocating to the fridge stack, which needs relocating due to the arcade cabinet.

Work wise was still converting stuff to 64 bit. Well running it, watching it crash and then fixing it. It’s mildly therapeutic.

Lunchtime I left the dogs on their own and went for a run. I’ve decided with five weeks to go until the holiday it’s time to make a bit of an effort. So I’ve only eaten salad and not drank anything, well other than tea and coffee.

Finished work vaguely on time then watched TV. Had a shower and now watching more TV. Sasha off to daycare tomorrow, I’m off to the dentist. She will have more fun.

This morning started off normally. No one else died. This is a good thing.

Work wise was mainly fixing up the engine on lots of different platforms. Lots of compiling.

Walked the dogs. Went to combat. Undecided what size screen we are going to have for our arcade cabinet. Need to measure things.

Oh, finally booked a dentist appointment.

Today started fairly normally with the alarm going off. It was not going to be a normal day though by far. I fed the dogs and fed myself and had a coffee. I then drove to the station and picked Megan up. I finally settled on what I was going to wear, went for the suit trousers, my yellow Pikachu t-shirt and a Pikachu hoody. We drove towards Shipham, that’s about the slowest I’ve ever driven down the M5. We made it in good time, I parked up and we walked across to the church. On the church path we met Nat’s dad Denis. He shook my had hand and I introduced him to Jamie. He said ‘slipped disc’, we took her into A&E and expected to be taking her away and that’s when they found it straight away. We exchanged a few words and then he said, that she was waiting inside.

We walked into Shipham’s lovely litte church. This was the same church they were married in a few years ago. At the alter was her coffin. I’d already seen pictures of it, but it was still a hell of a shock. Dan was up by it, complimented me on my wardrobe choice and asked us to write away. The lid was already covered in messages but I found a space. I choose a red marker pen and wrote:

“1..2..3…wide awake”. If only it worked now. It didn’t work out for us, but was so happy when you met Dan and all your dreams came true. We always remained friends. Remembering the good times, there will always be a special place in my heart for you.

This was very odd. I was writing on the lid of a coffin, the coffin that contained a real body. The coffin that contained the body of one I loved.

We took our seats. Teresa came over in tears, this was Nat’s best friend. There was a CD Dan prepared playing in the background, playing Nat’s favourite tunes. Dan came over when ‘creep’ started playing and said he’d put this one in for me (It’s the only damn song I can sing in my key apart from ‘My Way’, and it’s the one I used to sing with her). Full respect though for putting in the uncut version, I smiled when it came on “Your so fucking special”, perfect church version. There was also Monty Python’s ‘Galaxy Song’.

Natalie’s parents arrived and too their seats. The service itself was pretty standard, lots of god talk, which to be honest I don’t think she was a great fan of, but would happily go with the flow. We sang the same hymns that they sang at their wedding. There were a couple of very moving readings. The coffin was then led out, followed by the family. It was placed into a hearse and driven slowly through Shipham to the church yard. The congregation followed the hearse and all the traffic was stopped. It was a fair trek to the cemetery. Karen and her younger children didn’t attend the burial.

The cemetery was in a beautiful setting, the sun shown down. The grave had been prepared. The coffin was brought in and placed above the hole on planks. The sun glistened off the handles and reflected off the white surface. We all gathered round. The vicar started up and did all the ‘ashes to ashes’ stuff. The coffin was then led into it’s final resting place. Dan with his two children Alfie and Rosie then knelt down at the edge of the grave and looked in while the vicar gave some final prayers. There was then a moment of contemplation. A flower was given to each of the children and they threw it on the coffin, Dan threw a rose on the coffin and he led the children away. Then several of the congregation went up to the grave side, took dirt out of a box and spread it into the grave. I went up alone.

I stood there at the foot of the grave, six feet up, staring in. There below me was a bright white coffin covered in messages containing the body of my ex-girlfriend. This was someone who I had spent a large proportion of my life with. We had lived together, been on holiday together, eaten together and had huge amounts of kinky sex with. Never again will she make another cake, never again will I be helping her to sue someone, never again will she smile, never again will she comfort her children. She was gone. I only stood there for a few seconds, but it was our few seconds, a time again just for me and her, a time just to close our relationship forever. I said, ‘Goodbye Nat’ and threw the dirt on the coffin.

People started to drift off and I went over and took one more look at the coffin with Teresa. It’s an image I’m not going to forget in a hurry.

We walked back to the car and drove back to Nat’s parents house. It’s still the size of a stately home and has parking for 4,000 cars. Karen came over and gave me a hug, we’ve always got on fine and always had a bit of an understanding. The next couple of hours I spoke to Joe and Lisa. Dan came into the kitchen where we were chatting and said that Nat would normally be over here babbling away. He’s been really strong, really strong, I do admire him for that.

Not sure of what the etiquette of copping off at funerals is, but there was a blonde guy there I wouldn’t have minded taking to the fields out back and doing a bit of a ‘Brokeback Mountain’ with.

Pink balloons were handed out and we all wrote messages on them, then we let them all off together and they floated up and off into the sky, it was a lovely gesture. People began to go, so we said our goodbyes, I had a quick chat with Denis where we discussed solar panels. We all said we’d see each other again, but we all knew it was very unlikely to happen. I gave Karen one final hug, I didn’t need to say anything.

We then drove to Cheddar, parked up and managed to get a photo of the Gromit there. Drove back home, the traffic was fairly heavy. When we got back we took the dogs out for a walk with Megan. We dropped her at the station and went to Tesco’s, dogs were left on their own for the first time, they seemed to cope fine and the house was still in one piece when we got back.

I’ve put a nice bottle of wine in the wine fridge which was a gift, I think it’s a good occasion to crack it open. So there we are, all over. Jamie one the award for the most inappropriate (but very funny) comment of the day, he said, “Good job she found Dan, otherwise she’d be in that coffin dressed up as Ash”. I think her passing has brought a few things home to me. It’s all very well planning for the future, but may be plan for today as well, you may not be here then.

Natalie’s time card has been stamped. Live life by the day and enjoy it when you can as you don’t know when God is going to flip open his ink pad again.

I will drink that bottle of wine tonight and have a toast to Natalie. Then tomorrow will be a new day.

Day started fine, fed dogs, let them out. They played. I drank coffee. Shopping arrived. I walked them lunchtime. Working on boring base 64 bit stuff today, one of those retro fix it jobs. Talking of retro, the guy designing our arcade cabinet has got the light gun games going.

Went to the gym and did Body Pump. Had another raging headache this afternoon. Finally sat down and worked out what I’m going to write on Natalie’s coffin, didn’t take long, mind you, I’ve given it a considerable amount of thought.

Bath now, and tomorrow the day I wish would never happen.

This morning started with getting breakfast for the crew, everyone behaved. I then opened the patio door and both Sasha and Dillon vanished for the mornings play session. I started work. Today again was working on some audio stuff with Stephen. Filtering and transmission wobbles,all made a nice change.

Dogs came in and fell asleep. I took them for a walk together, one on a chain lead the other on a rope lead, both the same length. It was great. It was like walking one slightly wide dog, they both walked beautifully in parallel. Everyone said they were a really handsome couple. Sasha seemed to be a lot better when we met other dogs. We had a nice long walk. The only odd thing was one had to pee about every three minutes and the other had to wait. Came back, they downed about three pints of water and then fell asleep.

They actually continued to sleep all afternoon. I carried on working but got a hell of a headache at about 4PM, I took some Neurophen which didn’t work, so went for codeine which work, but then zapped me completely. Still work was done.

Fed the dogs, again no problems and we all fell asleep again until Jamie got home. I then watched the ‘geek’ remake of Knightmare, which had Dan and Phil in, that brought back some memories. Strange that I thought the Dungeon Master was dead, actually after a google he isn’t.

Gave the dogs a Kong each, they seemed okay to actually have one each this time. I think I may get a drinking fountain for them as I’m getting pissed off having to keep refilling all the bowls.

Torture porn night, Dillons first one.

Oh, one other quick thing, got an email from Virgin Media, my cable line has been upgraded to 120mbps and upload is now 10mpbs. Nice upgrade for nowt.

I woke up at 6:20 which was good enough. Took Sasha to daycare, Dillon was slightly put out that he wasn’t going anywhere. I think Sasha was quite happy to have a little break.

Went back to bed. Then rudely awaken at 9, by the cleaners phoning saying they would be here in twenty minutes. They arrived in ten. I quickly grabbed cereal and coffee and booted up the systems (both electrical and physical). So started work in good time.

Today working on audio code for Stephen, nothing really complicated, just quite a lot of math. Think I got most of it going in the end. Took Dillon out lunchtime, he’s actually a joy to walk on his own. I have no fear of meeting other dogs with Dillon, he just lies down and wags his tail. Got back and got back on with work. Picked up Sasha, she was quite happy, Dillon was happy when she was home. They both settled down quite quickly to sleep. I finished off work, gave them their tea and then I took Dillon out for another walk as Sasha was still very tired. Walked all the way over to Sarah’s and should them Dillon, who behaved beautifully, he is such a sweetie. Walked back, had a shower, ate salad. Now sat down with a glass of wine.

I’m feeling somewhat better today (health wise), although my teeth are all hurting, I really need to see the dentist and get them sorted next week, but it’s all been a bit stressful lately. I also want to get more ‘copter lessons, again, let’s get a few things out of the way first. The oddest image I’ve ever seen was on facebook today. The image of Nat’s coffin, after it was decorated by her kids. Not sure where I am with that at the moment, all still a bit surreal.

So last night I ended up sitting in the bath, getting somewhat upset, thinking about what I’m going to write on a coffin. The coffin in question belongs to my ex. girlfriend, well when I say ‘belongs’ she’s not exactly the owner, more the occupant. The idea is everyone gets the opportunity to write a message on the side of her coffin before she is buried. Okay, she’s never going to get to read it (well, not that I’m aware of anyway), but it still needs to be personal and have a meaning. I’ve got a pretty good idea of what I’m going to put, but did warn Jamie that when the time comes I may not be able to do it, apart from that his handwriting is far better than mine.

I’d don’t normally get very upset or cry, death really doesn’t upset me too much. Dad died, wasn’t a major upset, too much water under the bridge about that one (one day I’ll write the story of the burnt boat, that upsets me more every time I think about it than anything else). Grandparents died, again, not much. I think the last time I got really upset (now this is slightly ironic) is when ‘Nat’ died, not Natalie, but a small baby lizard I had. She died in my hand. Before that, probably, Judy, who was a dog. My parents dog, she died 19/4/89, there, a date that sticks in my mind forever. I couldn’t even tell you what year my dad died, let alone the day, I think it was the day before New Years but couldn’t count on it. Natalie’s death (back to the girl, not the lizard) did hit me a lot, we were together for about six years. We went on lots of holidays, we even had lots of very kinky sex. She made me sandwiches. And the last gift from me? Will be some obscure epitaph scrawled on the side of the box carrying her body.

I did wake up this morning after a good nights sleep. I felt so much better today than yesterday. I’ve had quite a nasty headache all day, but thankfully I’m not as bunged up. Although I could stick up a room full of wallpaper with the amount of snot that’s come out of my left nostril.

Work wise actually was very good. Bit of a day of two halves there. First half, not really an awful lot done. Then we took the dogs out lunchtime, Jamie has yet another day off, I’m sure he’s been fired or something, never seems to work any more. We had a lovely walk, I took Sasha and Jamie took Dillon. We walked through the nature reserve which was the first time for Dillon. He was pulling quite a bit, but was so friendly with other dogs. It seems to rub off a bit on Sasha as well as if he has a good greeting then she seems to be less defensive. We finished off up at the vets where he was weighed (21.6Kg) so a little bit lighter than Sasha. He’s all signed up now and I have his first lot of flea and worm stuff. I’ll do him tomorrow when Sasha is at daycare.

Afterwards I had lunch and then worked till quite late in the evening. Headache was still pounding, but I actually finished the first version of the renderer code. So tomorrow I’m doing a bit of audio work for Stephen.

Had a shower and then ate salad. I’m now lying on the couch with Dillon. He’s fast asleep and has on of his paws resting on my foot.

He’s getting on fine with Sasha, I think he tires her out, she’s upstairs fast asleep I expect. They do enjoy playing with each other, but still trying to work out the boundaries. They’ll both have a break tomorrow as I’ll take Sasha to daycare as normal.

I won’t write it, although I think it’s something she would find highly amusing…”Return to sender”.

I didn’t sleep an awful lot last night, nothing to do with the new dog Dillon, he was really well behaved. They both started the night on the couch, later Sasha went to her usual bed. I went down at about 3AM and let them out, Sasha went straight back upstairs and Dillon back on the couch. By 4AM I was very grouchy and ill. I made a hot lemon for myself and let everyone out again. When I got back upstairs Dillon was fast asleep on my side of the bed, as this was his first night and he seemed very comfortable I moved to the spare bedroom, which as it turns out was a blessing in disguise as I managed to get some sleep.

This morning though I posted in sick as my eyes couldn’t focus, which is bloody useless when you’re trying to look at a monitor for more than ten minutes, plus my head wasn’t really with it all bunged up. My throat was absolutely killing, this brought bad some very odd memories….

When I was about eight years old, we’d just moved into Cranbrook Road. I was unpacking all my stuff into wardrobes which currently had no doors on as they had just been built. I was at Junior school at the time (yes the same one I visited a few weeks ago). I couldn’t find my Hymn book, we were all told we’d need it the following week or we’d have to buy a new one (the actual figure sticks in my mind as well as it was in big writing in a circle on the front cover, it was 75P). I searched through all the cupboards and I couldn’t find it. Dad started throwing various shelves of stuff everywhere, getting in a complete piss. I started crying, I remember I was by the window at the time. He then glared at me and picked me up by my throat, then through me about 16 feet across the room, I hit the far wall. About 22 years later when he was in bed dying and I was hand feeding him stuff from a pot, I asked him if he could recall the incident, he said he couldn’t specifically, but, ‘I’d probably deserved it’. I looked back at him, at that point I thought the exact same thing about him.

Dillon and Sasha have had their first full day together, as I was ill this has been slightly skewed. Jamie had the day booked off though, so he took Sasha out first followed by Dillon. They both seemed fairly happy. For the rest of the day they have gone between playing, eating bones and sleeping. I had no problems at breakfast or tea times, both went to their respective bowls, afterwards, they both checked each others to make sure there were no remains. There have been a couple of growls today, but mainly where Sasha has got tired and tried to hide under the bed and he’s come along and wound her up. I’ve now trained him to sit, stay and beg. As I write this dribbling in my own mucus lying on the bed, Dillon is by the bedroom door, flat out on his side asleep and Sasha is a couple of feet behind him, flat out on her bed. So all happy families.

Hopefully tomorrow I’ll be feeling better and someone less resentful to past family members. It’s Natalie’s funeral on Saturday.