“There’s a man over pretending to be a statue”, “Anything in particular or does he take requests?”

So this morning started rudely at 6AM. With Anneka Rice, she was on the radio, not mysteriously appearing in my bed. I was in the spare room again, almost a week of sleeping on my own. Nothing wrong with the relationship, just that when Jamie has a cold he snores like a train and flailes his arms everywhere, it’s a dangerous place to be. So anyway, had cereal and coffee. Did last minute packing of items I didn’t really need. Mother arrived at just gone 7AM. I gave her her twenty quid, she had a glint in her eye meaning should could now eat, or buy some tat she didn’t need. We made it to the airport in good time. Checkin was instant. I had a coffee, Jamie had a bacon burger, no way I could face that. My bowels were already quite dodgy. Nothing in the solid stakes but I could sell off gas at competitive rates against the North Sea. Went to the gate, ass played me up again, last on the plane. We’d been auto-allocated the emergency exists. The seats that is, we weren’t sitting in a door. The flight was uneventful, that’s kind of how I like them. We picked up our bags and went to the train station. It was actually the wrong train station and I’d bought the wrong tickets. We got the RER rather than the TGV, but as it happened, due to the schedule of the TGV we were near enough better off on the RER anyway, plus we saved a whole five Euro’s. It was a nice leisurely two hour near enough journey, with one minor change before we were in the carpark at Disney. Hotel check-in was fine. We were given a room in one of the annexes, I didn’t expect much from a Disney hotel, I wasn’t disappointed. The bathroom resembled the one I’d just ripped out of our place. There’s ‘rustic’ and there’s ‘ancient’, this was defo the latter. Anyway due to the time we decided to go down to ‘Downtown Disney’ and have lunch. We got a really good deal on half board, the only problem being we now had more food vouchers than anyone could possibly consume in four days. So we went to an American diner. I ordered a salad, and chicken wings. It turned out to be almost a bucket full of salad, it contained such oddities as avacado, but no cucumber. The wings were all off chickens that had been in a concentration camp, so they didn’t add a great deal. I then rounded it off with cheesecake. Total cost, bugger all. It was over 75 Euro. I’m collecting the receipts and see how much free food we can cram in in four days. Afterwards we walked round a few shops. In one of them was a very cute blonde boy, must be about 19, everything in the right places. Wearing a ‘rainbow’ Mickey Mouse. Jamie says, ‘See anything you fancy, apart from the boys?’.

Went back to the hotel room. Jamie fell asleep, I ended up watching safety vidoes with Timon & Pumbaa. I learnt about how to cross the road and not to overload mains sockets. Jamie eventually woke up and then joined me on the bed. He started playing with my bits, Pumbaa would not have approved. I drifted off to semi consciousness and imagined having a threesome with that blonde guy. Just as I was getting into the spitroast scene (see, I do envolve Jamie in my odd fantasies), Jamie announced that, ‘By god you are hard’. I did ask if he wanted a bum, but he said that probably wasn’t a wise move after consuming that amount of hash browns. Anyway, a quick blowie and I’d shot all up the wall. I do hope we see Mr Blonde again….

Had a shower, then it was time to sample the evenings entertainment, which tonight was ‘Buffalo Bills Wild West Show’. It was a dinner show with watered down crap beer. Actually it was very entertaining. The horses were amazing. The humans weren’t bad either. I’m not really into Indian (squaw rather than turban) guys, but there was certainly one there I’d quite happily make a foursome with. Impressive show. To be honest we weren’t really expecting much of the food, but it was fine.

And that now brings up pretty much up to date. We are now at the bar. Which costs a fortune. It’s taken about fourteen hours and a little bit of alcohol to actually get into the ‘holiday spirit’. Plus an Immodium to sort my bowels out (more news on that tomorrow I’m sure). But during the dinner show, lots of Bison jokes started to come out, “We’ll get one, but only if you can do the dishes in it.” And then something about Sonia’s trumpet, which turned out to be a joke on a patato, tuber, get it? Okay, it was shit, but it’s been a long day. Tomorrow we will venture into the actual park. I’m sure it will be fun. Probably.

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