There are maggots in my scrotum

New years eve. To me, by far the most depressing day of the year. I don’t know what it is, weather it’s looking back and thinking, shit, what have I done. Or the opposite, shit, what am I going to do. Anyway, last years was particularly crap. Everyone fell asleep, I made a great effort and ended up dancing with the dog. This year I vowed to be less crap.

We started fairly early, actually it was 8:30, I was up like a shot and fed the dogs. We then packed them up and took them to the kennels. As we walked back to the car they made a bit of a break for it and came running back to the car, they had to be escorted back. I should say that Sasha ran to us, Dillon sort of meandered along a few seconds later.

We packed up ourselves, which did require me finding a shirt that I had washed earlier and Jamie had hidden. We made it to the station in good time and got pricey parking right next to the door.

Train journey was uneventful, other than I had someone sat behind me who sounded like he was losing a lung and spraying mucus across the window. I survived into London without picking up any plague.

We took the underground to Leicester Square and walked round for a bit. We then went into the theatre for ‘Book Of Mormon’.

Okay, I made it a point not to do any research about this musical whatsoever, so I would have zero preconceptions. I’m not a fan of South Park, I didn’t go overly much on the film they made. I must say though, I pissed myself throughout it. It took things to the extreme, by discussing female genital mutilation, and then takes it slightly beyond the extreme and goes into baby fucking. I didn’t know a great deal about the actual ‘Book Of Mormon’, but it’s explained in such a beautiful piss taking way. The Song ‘I Believe’, which really kind of sums it up. It’s a very far fetched religion which makes Scientology look as sane as trigonometry. It had some great songs, sung by a truly amazing cast. We were lucky that some of the cast came from the American touring version, so we had some of the original Broadway cast. Elder Price and ‘Arnold’ were a fantastic duo. Don’t want to dwell on it too much, but the cast is basically split into white males and black males / females. All the white women are played by men. The black cast were amazing. It was designed to be controversial and boy does it succeed. We left very happy.

We found our hotel, which was about twenty feet from the theatre on Leicester Square. It was frighteningly expensive. We had a deluxe room, it had a huge bed. We actually had five hours to kill before we were due to eat. So we went out to eat. We ended up in an Italian chain and I had a pizza, Jamie had a hot dog. Due to a fuck up, I ended up with a free pint. We went back to the hotel. We got in bed. The sheets got messy. I had a shower.

We watched a lot of crap telly and spent ages cruising facebook and twitter. We then tidied up and headed out for our evening destination, ‘Planet Hollywood’.

Now, this cost a fortune and we had pretty low expectations. Considering the theming of their American counterparts, this one looks like the inside of a Primark. We were seated, had a glass of fizz and then our starter arrived. I went for goats cheese, it was fine. Jamie had the prawns. I started ordering larger, Jamie started on the cocktails. The music was loud, the clientèle were loud, we were probably loud. The steak was ‘well done’ but wasn’t, it was cold. Jamie’s salmon was better. Dessert was fine. We didn’t really come for the food. The live band started up, we had front row seats, they were fantastic. They stopped just before midnight, we got more sparkly in, watched the fireworks on the TV, which was quite ironic as they were only about 200 yards away. We were in the dry and in the warm, outside it was a howling gale and pissing down. The band then fired up again. We stayed another couple of hours and downed cocktails. We wandered back through Leicester Square to the hotel, it was now all pretty quiet. I went to bed and fell straight asleep.

For once. It was a great night.

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