So today we really did do sod all.

I woke up at about 9:30 decided it was far too early to be awake so went back to sleep. I woke again at about 10:30 which was an ideal time to sample breakfast. I found the cereal the croissants and the coffee machine. It still produced something resembling tarmac, it’s still sitting heavy on my stomach twelve hours later.

Picked up a couple of towels, did the German thing and put them on a couple of sunbeds. Went back to our room, woke Jamie up then ventured to the kiddie pool, no particular reason other than it was a) empty and b) had no kiddies. There is a main pool as well, but there would be likely the dreaded animation team. If I wanted to have fun I wouldn’t have come here, I don’t want to play football with a Belgian who will probably stop halfway through and get cards out. I have no desire to play a pool game with three fat Muscovite shot putters.

I got a beer in and then sat there, reading a book. Until it was time to get another beer in and sit there. At lunch time we walked from one side of the pool to the other and ordered lunch at the bar. I had pizza, Jamie had chicken nuggets. More beer was drunk. We returned to the pool side. I read more and continued to drink beer. At six it was time to go in. The mini bar had still not been refilled.

All this entire time Jamie had sat beside me not really saying a word, he played with his phone and probably listened to something ghastly. Did I like this? Well what would I prefer? Lets just try a little juxtaposition here and replace Jamie with someone else…..Dillon Samuels, nah wouldn’t work, okay how about my mother. Let’s take it back to the beginning, I got up, she would have got up four hours earlier to start the work on her face. I would have gone to breakfast and come back to find her creaking getting off the bed. She would then mention that her knee was stuck, probably somewhere in Bristol and that she never had this problem last week. Look at her ankle, it’s twice the size of the other two. She would become vertical, although you couldn’t really tell, then hobble into the lift carrying a bag weighing approximately two tons. We’d meander to the sun bed, before we got there of course she would decide she needed a pee, although she only left the room 45 seconds ago. “I couldn’t get the tap to work.”, but that’s okay because inside her magic bag she would have a bag of wet-wipes a sink and Wessex Water. She would collapse on the sun bed, stating that she would never be able to get up again. She’d get a book out, probably ’50 shades of grey’ or some other god awful tome. “You really should read this Tim it’s got a queer in it” For the same reason I don’t really like fucking Elton John, I don’t really like his music (and I don’t mean I want to fuck EJ, David Furnish may have issues, do you think Elton is a top or a bottom?) I’m going off track. Just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I spend all day eating quiche and listenting to show tunes, I like heavy house, techno, dub step as well show tunes. Anyway back to the sun bed. Three pages would be read, then I’d get the “I need a drink” request, I’ll ask “What do you want?”, to which I’ll always get the reply, “Well what are you having?”. Now considering it’s only about 11AM I’ll probably stay off the hard stuff and just stick to the beer. It must be stated that Effes beer is rather weak, you could drink it solidly all day then drive home without worrying a breathaliser. So anyway she’d go for a lager top, or a shandy as it’s better known, and I’m the gay one. I would get beer and said puff drink. I’d then settle down to my heavy intellectual reading, which currently is either Jeremey Clarkson or Aviation Law. I’d manage three pages before the shandy had gone to her head but more importantly it would have gone to her bladder. So she would have to be air lifted off the sun bed and would hobble away to the bog. “I couldn’t get the tap to work.” We’ve been here before. Several more pages would have beed consumed before you would get the inevitable, “You see that lady over there, the one in the blue dust sheet. That’s Kim & Co.” I’d die with the excitement. “Aren’t all these hedges nice, before I came out I trimmed all my bushes, I had everything on charge for three weeks, I used more power than Jodrell Bank.” Then you would try and start a conversation, “Do you know the front of a Rover 200 looks like a snatch, didn’t you used to have one of those?”
“Patrick came up the other day and tightened the wires up again, he reckons the wall has come all the way back now…..oww my toe.” Another couple of minutes would pass. “So what are we doing this afternoon then?”
“Exactly what we are doing now.”
“So when do you go shopping?”
“You don’t.”
“Oh my poor knee is swollen again.” So am I pleased that Jamie just sits there and twiddles with his phone? Yeah, I’m kinda quite happy with that.

I had a shower. Got out and Jamie was gagging for sex again, dressed in a rather fun jock strap. I made him go on top, which meant that I could have a rest and he’d have to do all the work. After he was covered in sweat and got me as excited as a visit to an accountant I flipped him over and showed him how it should be done. We got changed and went to dinner. I was still somewhat stuffed from lunchtime so took it easy and only had three main dishes. I also had a cup of tea. Went back to the room and changed into something less sweaty. Now sat in the upstairs bar overlooking the bay. There is a musical girl singing type act going on in the bar below, I said to Jamie “It’s all a bit low tempo”, to which he shot back with, “It’s lounge music not a rave.” He did have a bit of a point.

Tomorrow will probably be a bit of a repeat of today. More reading, more beer and probably more sex.

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