No I don’t want to go on a ‘bumming boat trip’, okay, may be I do

So today started in the afternoon, well actually I got up t 6AM wondered well the hell I was and wondered if the dogs needed letting out. After reality struck I went for a pee then went back to bed.

As I hadn’t slept for about 48 hours I finally woke up at 12:45, too late for breakfast, but late enough for lunch. So we washed and put on something appropriate then headed to the restaurant. Now I’ve never really found lunchtime menus to be appealing, but I was in for a bit of a surprise. I managed to find clay baked seabass, this together with a portion of rice made a really nice lunchtime meal. It was accompanied by two cups of coffee, which can best be described as molton tar and therefore best forgotton. We retired back to the room and changed into our beach wear. We decided to head to the childrens pool, as it contained no children, it also contained very little else, no bloody euro-pop and no bloody annoying animation team. All there was was a selection of baggy skinned German’s and one rather fit one.

Towels were obtained and I decended into 150 pages of Clarkson. It’s easy reading, it’s in big type and contains no words longer than eight letters. The afternoon went through nicely, had a couple of beers, a couple of oggles at fit Germans but mainly just lieing in the sun and reading, very relaxing. I ‘forgot’ about the meeting with the rep from the transport company.

One thing I admired, there was an old German man, in a very large pair of Speedos. He was bold, with a gut the size of Alaska with saggy skin. But he just walked around quite proud and happy with the way he was. I thought I’d be quite happy if I reached that age and could wear and be relaxed in Speedo’s, but just not be German.

We retired to the room at just after six. I took some photo’s and read a magazine. I went for a poo, which was successful, it was the first one I’d had in a couple of days. This is what happens when yoy don’t eat enough salad. Then the phone rang. The bloke we managed to miss earlier had finally cought up with us. We were due to have sex, but this was now interrupted by a greasy Turk in reception.

He got his maps out, he got his speal out. He banged on about how for only £15 each we would be picked up and transported to Gumbet and have a great night out and go to some clubs and transported home. He asked if we were friends, I said we were married. He then said he would take us to the greatest gay club in Gumbet. Now I’ve been on these things before, it all sounds rosey, but here is the reality. You will be picked up half an hour late by a disgruntled coach driver who can’t be arsed to acknowledge you as he’s too busy on his mobile. You will be crammed in with forty other people, usually all aged about twelve who have been sold the same concept. You’ll eventually be shipped to some tacky restaurant in the middle of Gumbet, who’s best advertisment is that they serve ‘real HP sauce’. You will be served something that once resembled chicken. It will then be explained to you that the ‘all inclusive alcohol’ actually means half a glass of diluted wine. You will then be dragged round various tacky bars, which force feed you raw meths. Eventually at the end of the evening when you are bored shitless you will be forced on to the same coach again, where the driver still on a mobile is shouting at his wife after consuming half a bottle of scotch. He will then drive erratically round very steep turns while complaining about how all the bloody English just vomit everywhere. Then ‘Sharon’ from Essex will suddenly demand he stops as she needs to pee. She will get off the coach escorted by ‘Tracey’ and find a bush. Unfortunetley this will be next to a cliff top. ‘Sharon’ will then trip over her own 14 inch stilleto heel and break her ankle. The next four hours will involve the coach driver trying to arrange an ambulance while the rest of the coach slowly gets covered in piss and vomit.

We didn’t take the trip. But we did thank Mr Turk for his persistence and give him 40 Lira for his troubles (about £12), I think he’d earnt it. Then he said, ‘Hey do you two like to play around? I can get you on a great bumming boat.’, Now I must admit I was quite tempted by this. Jamie was giving me the evils, but I don’t think monogamy is all it’s cracked up to be. I don’t mind putting my thing anywhere for a bit of fun, I don’t want a relationship with you, I don’t want to here your life story, but do bend over as I think your cute. But I must be resigned to the fact that like I’m never going to be an astronaut or a lesbien, this is never going to happen.

We retired back to the room and had sex. While I thought about what could have been…..I had a shower. We then went to dinner. All the outside tables were taken, so we ended up inside and boy was it hot and stuffy. But we were near the food. This hotel by far has the smallest buffet, but probably by far the best quality of food. I ordered a bottle of white wine, a single glass turned up. I moaned and eventually she brought another glass and just left the bottle. It wasn’t bad local plonk, I finished it off in about ten minutes. Food tonight was great, I didn’t have a starter I just went for two mains. I had Japanese steak, two chinese dishes and rice. It was lovely. Then afterwards I had Turkish flatbread and chips, which was also great. I really do have no complaints about the food here.

After dinner we went to the ampitheatre where there was a ‘musical’ show. Which was basically the animation team (which thankfully hadn’t made an appearance all day) acting out various musical numbers. Now call me an old queen but I realy enjoyed it, I was tapping my foot and clapping along, I was alone. It wasn’t a massive audience, probably about a hundred people, but I think there was only about ten with functioning limbs. They did a good job, put on a fun show. And at the end of it they performed ‘Xanadu’ by ONJ together with a whole set of dance moves (the fit German bloke knew them all). We then went back to the room and changed into something less sweaty. We are now at the bar, it’s rained a little bit but it’s still bloody warm. Now drinking beer and cocktails.

Let’s see what tomorrow brings, more Clarkson I expect, a shame when I’d really like the sound of that ‘bumming boat party’.

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