I was very un-gay, I went to B&Q and bought cistern parts

So started off in bed. Told Jamie he was unattractive lots. This mad him hate me somewhat. Still need to keep him trim or by the time he’s 30 he’ll look like my mother. Watched X-Factor on the iPad, followed by ‘The McFly Show’, which was a TV special but good fun. Harry has a great bod, but I’d definitely do Dougie. Just before the third ad-break we had sex, it was very good. Finished watching TV. Got up, Jamie said when are you going to fix the toilet, which has been talking to itself now for several months. I took the top off and poked things, came to the conclusion that the syphon and the inlet ball valve were both fucked. So I did the manly thing and went to B&Q and bought a ‘complete easy fit conversion kit’. Hmmm.

Came back, had lunch and read the paper. So assembled all the tools, tried to isolate the cold water from the tank, found a tap for it, turned it off. The water in the bath now stopped running. The water to the cistern however didn’t. So the bloody thing was mains pressure, wrestled with the stop tap, stopped water. Now had to remove the old cistern. This thing had no doubt been in place since the first world war, so the screws holding it on to the wall had rusted away. So took the heads of and undid them with pliers. Undid the pipes and the screws holding it to the pan. Removed cistern. The removed the cistern internals. Then took about an hour cleaning out the cistern with the shower spray, removing congealed toilet duck and something that was trying to evolve. Then inserted the new flip valve thing. Put cistern back on bog, noticed it was rotated wrongly. Removed cistern, rotated it. Reassembled, tried to set the height of the inlet valve, then worked out there was no bloody way that was going to fit. Disassembled, hack-sawed off the end of the overflow. Reassembled. Fitted inlet valve. Reconnected all the pipes. Turned the water on. Enjoyed watching the water pissing out the bottom of the cistern. Turned water off. Tightened everything up. Turned water on. Took out all handle and replace with a push button. Linked that up, watched it fail to work. Played around with it until it did work. Then tried to put the lid back on the cistern, now that didn’t fit. Swore at the inlet value, until it shrank below the level of the cistern top (also required persuasion tool), replaced top. It’s now all working, I think the inlet may be seeping a bit, need to keep an eye on it.

Next job of the day was cleaning out the freezer. Removed everything, got rid of a load of tat that Jamie had just stored in there as he could never be arsed to eat it. Cleaned everything and put it all back. I’m out of peas.

Next job was cleaning out the larder. This is the storage place where Jamie will use an item, not read the back of it which says ‘refrigerate after opening and use within one month’. There were new live forms evolving there. Took everything out, cleaned all the shelves and put it all back again. Then removed all the bio-degrading plastic bags from under the sink. Sorted out the cardboard, had a poo.

Patrick Moore died today, shame, nice guy, a bit odd, but the world would be very dull if it was full of people like Gordon Brown.

Just seen a very odd thing outside my Window, whole group of Indians (as in the country, not the squaw type), walking down the road followed by a fully dressed Santa. Then out of their door came at least another three Santa’s that got into a people carrier and drove off. The people carrier was being driven by another Santa. You would think that with all this eco-warrior type shit Santa would have at least had a Prius. I hadn’t been drinking at all. May be it’s time to start. I’m going to have a bath while admiring my new toilet flush.

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