And then the ‘Keith Lemon’ lookalike shoved a spunk covered tissue into my ear

So woke up far too early, let the dog out for a piss then went back to bed. Jamie is on earlies so he buggered off. Got up again, fed dog and had breakfast, still didn’t feel like getting up so went back to sleep. Now what normally happens when I do this is that I enter REM sleep in about 3 seconds. This is what happened.

So I’m in a club in Shinjuku in Japan. I’m with an old friend of mine who’s in a wheel chair (he’s always been in a wheel chair, he didn’t go para just for a bit of artistic license by my mind). Also I’m with this guy who I can only describe as a ‘Keith Lemon’ lookalike. No idea who the hell he was. Anyway for some reason we are all in a bed (in the side of a club, I know, stick with it). He’s having a tamper with this middle aged women who has no hair on her minge. He keeps playing with his willy and moaning to me about it’s his age that he can no longer get hard. Mean while I have a stiffy just to annoy him. This women then goes down on him under the covers. I look over to my left and my disabled friend is giving his misses one. Next thing I know is Keith is then shoving a spunk filled tissue into my ear. Then suddenly we are all sitting now at the back of this club, and ‘Girls Aloud’ turn up and sit on a table in the corner. The ginger one comes up to me and starts talking about breasts. I then say that ‘mine jangle as well, but it’s ok as I have my new bra on’. She then tells me that I’m a nice guy and then they all bugger off. I’m now sat alone at the back of the club with my trousers round my ankles, I roll then up to find they are on backwards. I wake up. I take the dog out for a walk. Now Dr. Ruth Westheimer, good bless her little communist sole would say of course ‘It’s lack of sex’. She’s probably right.

Came back and did the shopping. Jamie hadn’t given me his shopping list, which is good for two reasons, one it was only thity seven quid and two he won’t get fat(er).

I walked into town, with it being close to Halloween it was covered in the undead. Now I’ve lived and worked in Bristol for forty years, a man walking round with no head and blood squirting from his neck is really nothing out of the ordinary here. The most hideous sight I saw was a teenager with long greasy hair and horrendous acne, he wasn’t dressed up for Halloween, he was just fucking ugly.

Came back. Jamie was asleep on the bed. I asked him to change the bed, which now at ten fifteen he still hasn’t done. I spent two hours hoovering and cleaning the kitchen, I then did all the accounts and shortly I will cook dinner. Then I will go to bed and fail to have sex.

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