There are only two things that will let me down and they are both between my legs

So booked Cafe Mambo in Ibiza. We have a VIP table next to the beach from 6:30PM. We have to consume two hundred Euro worth of food and drink. The day after we are off to the opening party at Ushuaia, that starts at midday and ends at midnight. Bus to Mabo is forty minutes. We’ll get a taxi back. That’s all I’ve booked so far. Need to find some nice restaurants.

Looking forward to it. Now there are two things that will let me down. One is my inability to pee in front of people which makes me almost shit myself from pushing too hard. Which is odd really as I’ll stand in the gym showers and quite happily helicopter my willy to all and sundry. But standing at a urinal with a bladder so full it could have put out the great fire of London and someone being in the same vicinity, I may as well try jumping off a bridge. Mind you I think about that quite a lot as well. I’ve been experimenting with holding my breath, which apparently helps to relax the muscles due to an increase in carbon dioxide. All it’s done so far is make me fall over and almost takeout the dog. The other problem I have is my bladder, did I mention that? It doesn’t seem to contain much, although I have pissed in a measuring jug and it contains the correct amount. I just seem to produce rather a lot of urine when drinking. Which means if I have to get on a bus or anything I’m a bit fucked. Still that’s what water bottles are for, just don’t try and drink it afterwards.

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