My mind is better off without you in it

Jamie vanished early as he was going to some Sonic thing in London. So I was left with the dogs. Woke up and got breakfast. Cruised porn, okay cruised Ebay. Managed to get hold of the Tamron lens I was after. It was supposed to be a reward for staying off the booze for the month, but by the time it gets here it’ll be the month end anyway. Got it for a good price so quite happy.

Got up and shifted things about in the kitchen. Then painted all the skirting boards. Walked the dogs. Had boiled eggs. All ready now for next week to lay the flooring.

Spent the rest of the afternoon editing a new video. I’m not ranting or anything, it’s just helicopter footage I’m putting to music. I managed to get the iPad controller for FCPX for free, it was supposed to be £35, but when I checked on the site it was 99c, but when I purchased it it never charged me. It has quite a nice frame scrub wheel, so good for doing very fine edits. Got all the jump cuts in and done a basic colour balance, need to do all the effects next. Fixed a couple of model helicopters and flew them around the lounge.

Got a text from my sister, saying my mother is asking if I’m still alive as she hasn’t heard from me in a month. That’s an exaggeration to start off with, it’s been two weeks. And those two weeks have been great. I’ve not had any depression issues, black days or suicidal thoughts. I’m actually feeling really good at the moment, enjoying things and having a lot of fun. I’ve actually found enjoyment in creative activities and just playing about. I even found Jamie attractive the other night until I discovered it was the dog in his place. Just thinking about her made me uneasy and I could feel an anxiety attack coming on. I had a bath. I know what mother would say, ‘Oh it’s all in the mind’, well that’s kind of the point of mental illness. For the moment I’m very happy as I am, she’ll need to respect that unless she gets some joy from destroying my soul. She makes nice fruit cake, but then again, so do Tesco’s.

I’m never going to be truly free for the moment, but at least I’m allowed out on day release.

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