Tag Archives: sex

I’m going to ride you like a double decker bendy bus

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Last nights curry was a great success. Well it was for me, Jamie kept complaining that it was too hot and it spoilt it. It only contained twelve red birds eye chilli’s and four teaspoons of chilli powder. Lightweight.

So this morning started off with a piss for me and Sasha, I then watched the X-Factor on the iPad. Then after discovering that Jamie was vaguely in the mood, I woo’d him by touching his nipple once then sticking my finger in his ear. That’s quite advanced foreplay for me. I then said the magic words ‘I’m going to ride you like a double decker bendy bus’, unblocked the lube bottle where it had solidified with lack of use then did the business. Three minutes later it was time to get up and unblock a drain of a different kind.

I have a new gadget for my pressure washer, it’s a backwards firing jet attachment. Kind of a real man’s version of a douche. I’d like to try it on Jamie’s arse, it would strip back layers dating to the Jurassic period. Anyway, started on drain, it’s very good but still took the best part of four hours to completely unblock about six meters of drain pipe. But you could pour champagne down it (and drink it) after I’d finished. I also took the U-bend off the sink and cleaned out all the crap from that as well. The sink now drains faster than my mothers bank account.

Then on to the second job of the day, which was the pump overrun cable for the new boiler, about half an hour pissing about getting the cable from the airing cupboard to the kitchen and the rest was pretty straightforward. I’ve added a new junction box and wired most of it in. In fact I wired it all in so I could produce a circuit diagram and test it all, only so I could disconnect it again to get the electrician to do the exact same task just because I require a bit of paperwork. Still, I’ll get Paul to do it, he has to make three connections and probably drink about four cups of coffee. Still at least I know he won’t rip me off.

I tidied up the bin collection and got rid of two bins, one with a broken lid that was fifteen years old and a rusty one which wasn’t. I’m now left with the Brabantia and some space. Which is ideal as I can now fill it with shoes.

So this evening I plan on having a bath, watching the X-Factor results and then watching the very last Grand Prix of the season. It’s actually all gone down to the wire so quite looking forward to this one, if I’m not completely pissed by then. Hey, I worked bloody hard today. And it’s fasting day tomorrow. Still if I’m not losing any weight I can always do a colonic using my drain gadget….

“How does the dog hold the golf club?”, “I have no idea.”

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The morning started off pretty well. Jamie wasn’t wearing any pants which is usually a good sign that some vague action could happen. It did, well for me anyway, I didn’t recipricate. Then he asked what the dog was planning on doing today, I said that she was planning on playing golf as she wanted to get her handicap down. He then asked how she could hold a club. It was far too early and I was still out of coffee so couldn’t be arsed to come up with a witty response, so just said I had no idea. He went off to work, obviously thinking intensly how a dog could play golf without opposable thumbs. However she would have managed it, she would have still played better than me.

I went and did a house check for a kitten, all fine. Then I picked up a sim-card for my iPhone5 and did the shopping. Both rather dull activities, oh, also got some crickets.

Ate lunch, toast and cheese. Then assembled my new Bissel carpet shampooer. It looks very impressive, now need to find somewhere to keep it. Also got one of those steamer things. The new batteries for the doorbell turned up together with some new garden tools. I may take them to the bedroom later.

Walked into town, bought some drain cleaner, walked back again.

Visited mother, which was a good time to catchup on FaceBook. Mind you she has got back into baking again and does make a rather mean fruit cake. I cleaned out her Magnaclense (had to get a boiler reference in their somewhere) and increased the pressure on her boiler.

Came back, did the accounts and bits. Also got this rather nice little bluetooth keyboard iPad case thing, which I’m typing this up on. I’m very impressed works really quite well.

So all done, just going to fry the chicken ready for dinner, which is something I can’t spell so won’t bother as the spell checker doesn’t seem to be working. Then a quick bath I think, may be some wine.

Bought three lots of coffee beans so going to have a few testers. Getting very used to having it black now, makes me stoned.

Lots of fun house/garden work to get on with tomorrow. I think Sarah is popping over as well to test out the new coffee machine.

Time to say goodbye….

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You’ve been with me for a long time. Many years. I think since I was about twenty. I’m sure you once belonged to my sister, until I stole you for my own. There was one before you, but that was taken from me (actually by the friend who turned up in yesterdays dream, not Keith Lemon, the other one, may be it was a omen). We’ve been together for twenty years, every morning you’ve been faithfully there, only once or twice have I ever forgotten you, but you’ve never complained. You’ve seen bits of me that I’ve never even seen. But the years have rolled on and age has finally taken it’s toll. Your once vibrant colour has faded and replaced by blackness, where you were once a perfect round you’re now just a strange shaped blob. There will be no funeral, no big send off, no flowers. Even after all this time together your fate is to be cast out to a great landfill site where you will continue to rot to nothing more. I therefore give you one final solute and bid you goodbye forever, I will miss you little red sponge.

Actually on yesterdays entry I was somewhat incorrect. During dinner Jamie did consume a bottle of Smirnoff Ice, now he handles alcohol as well as Jimmy Savile handles a twelve year old, so after being in bed for an hour catching up with the X-Factor we had a bit of a session which was nice. Anyway woke up this morning, let the dog out for a piss (she already decided during the night that she needed one and probably failed to wake us so there was a nice puddle by the kitchen bin). Had breakfast. Then I was still feeling rather horny. I tried pressing various buttons and prodding things but I think I would have got more response from a British Gas customer care line. Now dear reader you’re going to have to start commenting on posts if you want to know more, it’s all a bit silent in here.

So I got up and continued with my cleaning quest. I spent the next five hours cleaning the on-suite and the bedroom window. It’s sparkling. I even got the brown stuff (unknown) out of the bathroom carpet. We then went to the Toby Carvery, which was fine except the service was abysmally slow. I then came back and cleaned the kitchen, hoovered all of downstairs again and washed the floor. Jamie’s now taken the dog out for a walk, so when he comes back he can wash the floor again. I’m going to have a bath, it is a Sunday after all.

Got some results in from the electric power meter thing. Basically, servers are bloody expensive so need to replace them with much lower power machines. Yearly costs: Beer fridge £17.52, Wine fridge £26.07, Server £122.68, pfSense £131.89. So that’s £250 a year to keep mannmansion.com, thetorturepornmovieblog.com and all my email and internet connections flowing. I reckon that’s about £200 quid too much. So I think it’s time to build some ITX boxes to cut that down to something sensible.

Robert hired a trainer, lost a substantial amount of weight, and went on to become Taylor Lautner.

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Ok, so another ‘Ted’ quote but it was a funny film.

Got up very late, mainly as we went to sleep very late. Didn’t get home until about 2, then by the time I did my restaurant review and watched some telly (needed to drink wine) and finally pursuaded Jamie that as it was his birthday it was actually his duty to have sex (even if his sister was in the other room). At least we are married now, we have had sex at his mothers house right above her (she was in the room below, we weren’t doing ny weird hovering shit). Also there was that time with James…story for another day.

So anyway, got up late. Walked the dog to parkway with Megan (she walked by herself, no lead required). Got back, then we went into town, which was a bit pointless as everything was closed, except ‘Forbidden Planet’, so bought some more Sonic tat. Walked back to car then did the shopping. I’ve now done the accounts. That’s the excitement of the day.

I’m now going to have a bath and drink some wine. Followed by making a curry. Tomorrow I expect will mainly consist of gardening type activities providing it doesn’t piss down.