And only because FaceBook reminded me about it did I remember, and that wasn’t until the early evening. Well it was a good excuse for a party I guess. Shame about the eventual outcome. Did I ever recover from it? I guess not really. Not the party, I recovered from that fairly quickly, wasn’t even tipsy, kept chatting to people and leaving pints everywhere. Considering the quality of the bash, it was actually fairly cheap. Never did use the chocolate fountain, and the DJ was crap.

Am I content? That’s a mildly ironic comment. I think I just have to be. My hand has been dealt, I have no further aspirations or desires, I’m just waiting for the inevitability of death, but just trying to pass the time in between in the most inappropriate way possible, whilst paying very little tax. I think of what could have been, if we were still together. Maybe we would still be having fun, maybe we wouldn’t. The time we were together we did indeed have a lot of fun, we travelled to many places, went on an awful lot of rollercoasters and I spent an awful lot of money, while my ex. just used to steel all my AA batteries. He seems content now, and honestly I do wish him well, even if I do think he can be a pompous prick at times. I wouldn’t fancy him now, definitely a bear rather than a twink.

So what for me? Well, I’ve got a holiday coming up, Greece, never been before, oddly not looking forward to it in the slightest, even thought about cancelling it on several occasions. But it’s paid for, so I guess I need to stick with it. I’m sure it will be fine, I’m just somewhat apprehensive about going somewhere different. I’ve never really had a shit holiday, I guess the closest I’ve come is actually some visits to Gran Canaria, where I’ve been bored.

Oddly I look around me and all my friends have some ailment or another. Just this instant one has said he has blood cancer and is currently being treated for it. I just hope he has a better outcome than the last person I knew with it, as I went to his funeral last year. Another is basically on a death wish. He drinks probably close to two hundred units a week, gets zero exercise and has a shit ton of problems, yet he’s still here. I have another ‘friend’ who has now ostracised me because I didn’t want a demo of his science project, I honestly thought more of him, but that’s a post for another time. Not the post I was planning on writing, maybe that will come next week.

Still, always that death thing to look forward to in the mean time.

I took off a sock the other evening, the back of it had completely worn through. I tossed it in the bin, its days of covering my feet were over. Then I had a thought, nostalgia cutting in, what memories could this sock tell? How many thousands of miles has it covered? What adventures did it accompany me on? Did it ever visit the States? Did it get stuck up a mountain on the verge of death? How many dog walks? Was it there on my wedding day, or the day my divorce came through? Had it travelled to the Canary Islands, Weymouth or just the local pub?

It’s surprising how such trivial items can trigger memories. I look around me, many of my friends are now in the winter of their lives, I’m still thankfully I think in the autumn of mine. My target age is eighty-three, that gives me thirty years. Four of which I’m still working, okay, only part time thankfully, plus it keeps me out of trouble and I enjoy it. I don’t think I’m going for any more major life changes. I’m fairly content and now accelerating rapidly towards death. Do I want another relationship? I don’t honestly think so. I’ve been there and done that. I think I’m now very much destined to be single, but I can live with that. I don’t have enough wardrobe space to spare for a start. I need to do a bit more travelling, but apart from that I think I’m pretty much done.

I’ve lived a life that’s full, I travelled each and every highway, and more, much more than this, I did it my way.

As for that sock, it will go in the recycling, maybe it’s only on the beginning of a new journey.

The anticipation was one thing, the fear of failure was another.

I was at the point of three options, drink, pop Zopiclone or just not sleep. I was pretty much resigned to the fact that I would die by either alcoholism, drug overdose or insomnia.

So I took the pill, thirty minutes before bed. My anxiety was through the roof. I had zero expectations. To be honest I was probably almost wishing it didn’t work for some strange reason. But hey, I turned the light out in great anticipation of being awake for the next seven hours.

I was asleep within sixteen minutes. I did get up for a pee a few hours later but then I was back to sleep again pretty instantly.

Meh it was a one off. Popped a pill again on the Tuesday and the Wednesday. It worked again, asleep within minutes. No weird dreams or side effects. I just slept.

So is it the answer? Well it’s early days yet. I’ve only taken it on three occasions, but on each of those it has worked. I’m looking forward to trying it again over the next few weeks.

If it continues to work I will have to find something else to die of.

So I finally managed to get a telephone appointment with the doctor. This was not the same patronising bitch who insisted that I was an alcoholic, who I spoke to about eighteen months ago. Although the surgery made their best attempt at trying to get me to have an appointment with her again. No. After taking advice from another doctor I had an appointment with the senior partner of the surgery.

This was Doctor Young. His opening gambit was not, ‘you drink too much’. A good start. Actually he did something very unusual, he listened. He did ask about my relationship with alcohol, but never once did he accuse me of being an alcoholic or having a dependence. If anything, he thought that my alcohol consumption was actually well under control, if somewhat high, but was happy that I was fully aware of this. We discussed all the usual things, CBTi, and sleep hygiene and all that crap. He was, actually, very nice. They don’t like prescribing ‘Zopiclone’ for more than a couple of weeks, it can be addictive and it can become tolerable, to the point it has zero effectiveness. But, I took took it for around four years, and it worked every time. I took it last Tuesday, it still worked within thirty minutes.

We then kind of hit the end of the conversation, the ‘Where do we go from here moment’. Oddly, we were both on the same page, the exact same internet page. Both looking at ‘Daridorexant’. I couldn’t pronounce it, he didn’t’t have a bloody clue what it did. He corrected my pronunciation, I filled him in on its use and effects. We agreed to give it a blast. I think he was interested in it effectiveness and what side effects, if any, it had. I was willing to give feedback and was quite eager to try.

I had the prescription on the Tuesday, popped in to pharmacy, ‘It’ll be here tomorrow’. It wasn’t. ‘It’ll be here tomorrow’. Almost gave up at this point, went to just collect the prescription and they actually had it.

So now I have the magic drug. Will it work? I don’t know. The problem is the anticipation may outweigh its effectiveness. You build yourself up so much for the ‘wonder drug’, and then only to be disappointed.

Tomorrow I will know. Roll on tomorrow.

So I have this ‘retro’ arcade machine, probably got it about eleven years ago now. About six months ago I spent ages writing various utilities to update the game list, now has around seven thousand games, basically every arcade game ever up to the millennium. All mostly work and play fine. I got a Chinese hard drive with pretty much every console game on it up to about the last ten years, managed to purge pretty much everything I wanted over to the arcade machine, plus I have all the console games ready to play on this drive.

I’ve now also got ‘The Spectrum’ which is a perfect emulation of the old ‘Speccy’, including all the rubber keys. Comes with a load of games, plus I got a USB drive with about forty-thousand more on it.

But do you know what? The games are crap. Colour clash, awful sound, glitchy sprites and appalling game play. Am I taken back to my childhood self, no.

I can’t go back to a time when I was fourteen years old, at ‘Spellbound amusements’ on ‘Whiteladies Road’, where every lunchtime was spent living off a king sized Mars bar and piling up ten pence’s on the screen of ‘Dragons Lair’.

You can recreate the tech, but you can’t recreate the memories.

Okay, so it’s been a while. Melatonin wasn’t the answer, like the other drugs, it made me drowsy but it didn’t make me sleep. I tried GABA as well as that was supposed to help in combination, but again, made me drowsy, didn’t make me sleep.

Did some experiments, the interesting thing is, analysing the sleep patterns, comparing when I’m drinking, to when I’m not drinking and when I’m taking Zopiclone, there is no difference. I’m actually sleeping the same, the difference is when I’ve been drinking or taken Zopiclone I don’t remember being awake.

So have an appointment in the coming week with the senior partner at the doctors. There is a new drug out which looks interesting, it removes ‘wakefulness’, so definitely worth a try. Hopefully that will work out okay. Next week is looking interesting overall, let’s see how it pans out.

So after last week of wearing a Melatonin patch, taking a sleeping tablet (antihistamine) and some other sleeping tablet (mainly herbal junk), then being completely wide awake at 3AM I decided to try something a bit different. I know that Zopiclone works, but isn’t reall a long term solution, so decided to give Melatonin another blast, but this time in tablet form. I think the patches did something, but not really enough so going for the main ingrediant. Yes, it was prescribed, albiet from a rather questionable source. The leaflet says it is to be used to treat ‘jet-lag’ in adults, but more interestingly it says, ‘Insomnia in children and adolescents (6 to 17 years old) with ADHD’.

I’ll do a post at 3AM if I’m still awake.

So oddly last night after not drinking, as it had been quite a heavy couple of weeks I didn’t have too much problem sleeping. Was going to take a pill, didn’t need to. But in the morning I was tingling like I was on a mission, hadn’t had that feeling since I gave up Prozac, very strange. Thankfully it did fade.

The rest of the day was productive, if wet. I really must do the write up for the SSL thing tomorrow and get that out of the way. Also must try and finish this bloody jigsaw.